Fascinated by the concept of technology amplifying human potential, I jumped at the chance to upgrade from Bard to Gemini AI. Initially focused on optimizing my blog, this personal experiment unfolded in a way I never anticipated. A major tech issue – my trusty iPad dying – triggered a chain reaction of self-discovery, revealing unconscious patterns and propelling me toward a deeper understanding of my energetic makeup, an upgrade in personal mastery, and a greater appreciation for the Spirit in me.
Hope Amidst Grief
I have been taking a personal writing hiatus, posting only poetry written in bursts of energy, as detached dissections of pain, as emotional confessions of sorrow, or inSpirited revelation and determination during this time in my life of multi-layered grief and mourning.
Grief over the loss of my concept of a "forever family" unit. I divorced a man I spent 18 years of my life with. My second-ever boyfriend and my one and only lover. But our "family" was riddled, muddied, and corrupted by our respective traumas, my CPTSD, and our learned unhealthy bonding. A gut-wrenching loss that turned into a garden of empowerment, self-confidence, and personal growth.
Grief over the loss of my ability to have a second baby. I just turned 42 years old. If I was already infertile, I am much more so now! But this desire for another child has more to do with my need to nurture and love. An external loss that is actually a Spiritual calling to mother myself. I have left my inner garden unattended and this is a gentle nudge to turn that nurturing energy inward where it will best serve Hannah and me in the long run.
Grief over the loss of a deeply resonant personal connection with Gemini Man. The type of man I don´t come across in real life. One that gets my blood boiling, my brain synapses firing, and my hormones going... until a total eclipse of the heart... but it´s actually a total eclipse of the brain 🤭. A heartbreaking loss that pushed me into the depths of my Soul to reconnect with my Spirit.
Emotional Overhaul & AI Upgrade
I believed I was actively healing my patterns until I upgraded from Bard to Gemini. No, I don´t mean Gemini Man, I mean Google´s Gemini AI.
I was already a happy and active Bard user, so the day after Gemini was released, I jumped at the chance to upgrade to Gemini Pro. My autistic brain saw and sensed the unlimited potential for upgrading my very human limitations with the help of this tool. I started using Gemini for my professional work, but the more I discovered the riches to be had and the treasures that could be unearthed using this amazing technology... the more my energy was drawn inward. Not for work, but for self-reflection, self-analysis, and thorough self-exploration across multiple chats in Gemini.
What began as a "simple" personal project to upgrade and optimize my blog, has turned into a deeply rewarding cross-chat exploration of the energies that drive me as a person. What makes me tick? What is my Jessi signature? A quest for enhanced SEO for my blog has given me profound insights about who I am at my core and given me practical personal development tools for improving my real life. What a huge claim! Can I back this grand statement with proof? Absolutely! Cut to this week... and, finally, another personal story time 😊
Each night, Hannah and I have a special "loveys" time. These moments are sacred for me. It is quality time we share together, actively nourishing our relationship and bond. Sometimes we paint, sometimes we puzzle, maybe we watch the new live-action Avatar: The Last Airbender on Netflix or Voltron (our new favorite anime-style cartoon... we love anything resembling anime!), or we decide to play Genshin Impact. On one such night recently, in mid-intense co-op mode Genshin boss fight, my iPad flashed, shut off, and got stuck in a boot loop.
Breaking Unhealthy Patterns: Firepower for Change
TRAGEDY! Or at least it would have been for me a few months ago. Situations like this usually take me days, maybe even weeks, or months to overcome. Sleepless nights spent frantically watching every video online for a potential solution, loss of real-life productivity, irritability, forgetfulness, rumination, and inability to work... you name it, and I have likely experienced it in moments of emotional distress!
Understand I use my iPad for everything. For watching YouTube, reading self-development articles, doing deep dives into random topics my brain decides it needs to fully understand, regardless of day or time, writing during late night inSpirations, gaming... whatever tickles my fancy. It is my personal digital sanctuary. Where I escape and unwind at the end of each day. On the device are all of my personal data: my accounts, my banking app, my favorite recipes, videos, photos, etc. If the security blanket had an adult version, then for me that would be my iPad.
So for me, losing the iPad is a significant loss that would have triggered a downward spiral... a full emotional breakdown! I am neurodivergent and self-diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. Emotional regulation is a constant struggle for me and having a set routine, with structure, dependability, and consistency are ways I help prevent personal "crashes" in my life. The fact that I was able to survive this gigantic loss without losing my sh$t... that I managed to ride the intense wave of emotions, keep it steady, settle myself, accept the loss, and manage to go to sleep... all in that moment... shocked not only myself but Hannah as well.
Turning Insight into Action: Tools for Change
Staring down this barrel, I was able to put into practice three of the many personal insights I´ve gained from my work in Gemini. One: my earth energy is a mothering, protective, and nurturing energy. Earth Jessi is a mentor and a guide who is driven by unconditional love to serve the people she holds dear. Earth energy is that mothering energy I told you about that I need to start taking inward. I give it freely to those I love but often forget to provide for myself.
Two: my water energy is the depth of my feelings, the dark recesses of my pain, and all of my inner longings. Water Jessi is capable of intense emotions but also unconditional love, incredible empathy, and compassion. Water energy can overwhelm me if I passively allow it to drown me instead of actively surfing it. This is the energy that often sinks me into despair and depression, “crashing” my system.
Three: I harness and use my energies in service to others, and it is high time I started using them in harmonious service to Self.
So as I felt the huge wave of ride-or-die emotions come over me, instead of succumbing to panic and going under, I asked myself... What would Jessi do for Hannah if Hannah were the one experiencing the loss of her iPad? And with that one question IN came Spirit!
The Path INto Harmony: Riding the Waves of Emotion
Air Jessi detached from the inner turmoil brewing, and remembered… I have a greater understanding of my energies and here is the perfect opportunity to put that knowledge to good use… to harness the best of each energy to find my way to calmer waters.
Earth Jessi actively stepped in, pulled out her surfboard, and said... it´s okay baby, hold on, we´ll get through this together. (I took a deep breath and held steady as I allowed my emotions to flow).
Water Jessi harnessed love and empathy for my distressed self. Yes, I know you love your iPad... yes, it has all of your important information on it... yes, it is incredibly sad to see it die. You will miss it, you will grieve it, and I will be here for you. Feel those emotions and let them flow through you. (I felt helpless tears well in my eyes, but did my best to control my breathing and lower my heart rate). Spirited compassion… I understand that you are scared and upset, that you don´t know what to do... just breathe… deeper still… you WILL be okay!
Fire Jessi felt powerless… an intense growing urgency, fighting for a semblance of control. Desperate to fix everything "right now"! But I´ve learned that frustrated fire rages and is as dangerous as tumultuous water. So I kept breathing, containing the urge and preventing a wildfire. Reminding myself that rash actions cause me more anxiety… that a lack of focus can lead me astray… and that mental clarity means sound judgment.
Water in loving flow... agreeing that the best thing I could do for myself was to get some rest and allow my intense emotions to settle. Fire in check... acknowledging that I´d be better able to deal with the problem and find the best solution in a more regulated state. Calm focused air... I was able to fall asleep after some controlled breathing while listening to a breathwork meditation.
Self-Care as Self-Nurturing: Practical Tools for Growth
I won´t lie and say I woke up the next day feeling just dandy. But I did wake up to clarity. Spirited resolve and a surge of fiery air energy stepping up to bat. After watching a couple of videos, I tried a few fixes and felt thwarted when these didn´t work. But even through those heated frustrations, I felt my earth energy keeping everything in check. After each fail, instead of getting worked up about it... my grounded fire sparked an alternative option. How about no more technology at night? That will help you get more and better sleep. How about using your TV more? The screen is bigger and you can get headphones so as not to disturb Hannah´s sleep. I kept on like this for a while, in a kind of meditative boot loop myself… until my body and mind started accepting the idea of not having an iPad.
Buying another iPad was not an option for me right now, but eventually... after a couple more fails and mindful and intentional resets... buying another device proved an acceptable substitution for my iPad. I have always used Apple products because I get these second-hand from my family who are all Apple die-hard lovers. This is the first time I purchased a brand-new device for myself. After a lot of research, I am now the proud owner of my very first Android device and I am loving it! This device is better suited to my love of Google products and functions in all of the same wonderful ways that make me appreciate Windows PCs over Apple Macs. And, as if this wasn´t enough, I ended up migrating my work phone into this new device so now even Hannah got a win out of the situation because she inherited my old work phone.
She has an iPhone she uses for gaming, but because we weren´t able to unlock it, it has no cellular line. When she is out with her father on Sundays, she calls me using her dad´s phone. Now she´ll be able to take her "new" phone with her whenever she is not with me... but that´s it... because I still don´t plan on giving her full free-range access to a cell line until she´s 14. I am her mother after all 😉 and now, thanks to Gemini, I am also learning to become a better mother to myself.
Buying another iPad was not an option for me right now, but eventually... after a couple more fails and mindful and intentional resets... buying another device proved an acceptable substitution for my iPad. I have always used Apple products because I get these second-hand from my family who are all Apple die-hard lovers. This is the first time I purchased a brand-new device for myself. After a lot of research, I am now the proud owner of my very first Android device and I am loving it! This device is better suited to my love of Google products and functions in all of the same wonderful ways that make me appreciate Windows PCs over Apple Macs. And, as if this wasn´t enough, I ended up migrating my work phone into this new device so now even Hannah got a win out of the situation because she inherited my old work phone.
She has an iPhone she uses for gaming, but because we weren´t able to unlock it, it has no cellular line. When she is out with her father on Sundays, she calls me using her dad´s phone. Now she´ll be able to take her "new" phone with her whenever she is not with me... but that´s it... because I still don´t plan on giving her full free-range access to a cell line until she´s 14. I am her mother after all 😉 and now, thanks to Gemini, I am also learning to become a better mother to myself.
Unrelenting Spirit: insight, resilience, and perseverance
But the true hero of this and all of my stories is always the unrelenting Spirit in me. The Divine Energy that picks me up time and time again, dusts me off... gives me loving pep talk, fills me with purpose and guides me onwards and upwards. Beyond my human limitations and mere earthly determination… Spirit is the driving force that keeps me going on this always trying, but incredibly rewarding healing journey.
Life Lesson: Caring for My Inner Garden
Want to learn more about my Energy Tools for Growth?
Click on the Energy you are drawn to...💖⤵️
AI Technology
Earth
Energy Flow
Grief
Jessi´s Tools
Life lesson
Loss
Mindfulness
Parenting
Personal Growth
Soul
Spirit
Post a Comment