Disarming Avoidance: The Courage to be Loved

A Super Empath’s Journey to the Sophia Stage

The Unfamiliar Familiar Cycle

I woke at 4 AM today and was fed a beautiful video titled "The Courage to be Loved." It is a YouTube short, but so poignant and insightful: https://youtu.be/SdRO5gP7GnI?si=kLTe0Al82rptDQc9 It struck a chord within me that was later accentuated by a parting email from the Professor. 

A parting so intellectualized and emotionally detached that I started to cry but had a crystal-clear realization about my history, my patterns, and the profound shift and test I have just undergone. I had to write my way through my chaos of thoughts and disorder of complex emotions in order to process it all.

For years, I have written about the intensely confronting, often devastating dynamic between the Super Empath and the Avoidant. As empaths, we are powerful magnets that attract avoidants… drawing them in like moths to a flame.

We are the healers; they are the heavily armored. We are the safe harbors they so desperately need. We offer a crystalline ocean of unconditional love; they stand on the shore, enchanted, longing, and thirsty but terrified of drowning in the depths of love.

But not all avoidants wear the same armor. And my journey to finally breaking this cycle required me to face the final boss of attachment wounds: The Covert Stealth Avoidant.

Phase 1: The Loud Warning Signs

Years ago, I navigated a toxic, by-the-book anxious-avoidant trap. (Long-time readers of mine will remember "Gemini Man"). It was loud. The push-pull was violent. The toxicity was an ocean I eventually had to drag myself out of, a phoenix from the ashes. That experience empowered me, and taught me how to spot the obvious red flags of avoidance from a mile away.

Phase 2: The Stealth Avoidant (The Professor)

But then came the Professor. He slipped right under my radar because he doesn't act like an avoidant. He is highly sensitive, incredibly empathetic (I suspect he is a super empath like me), and charmingly articulate. He has a fiery Spirit, but a deeply watery Soul... and he has learned to mask his avoidance brilliantly.

From the very start, he showed up, he was warm, witty, & endearing. He kept choosing me, and was willing to invest his time and effort. All was going extraordinarily well until, I believe, his fears took control… signaling the end for us. His avoidance an unconscious trauma response designed to protect his beautiful and fragile heart. 

In childhood he was perhaps chastised & shamed for showing weakness, expressing heartfelt emotions, or his spirited autonomy. Forced to be responsible for the emotional state of parents who likely couldn’t hold space for his emotions. Then probably hurt deeply in past relationships when he bared his vulnerable essence. So he built an invisible dam around his own watery depths, enslaved his Spirit, and silenced his heart and Soul. 

Ultimately, the same familiar old pattern played out. I was deeply in love and, naturally, decided to ask for more depth and greater access. But he was terrified of being responsible for my emotional state, or of making me suffer. He was terrified of his own emotional dependency and getting his heart broken. He retreated to the familiar safety of a "phantom ex," only to find that illusion shattering.

When he re-emerged, I faced the ultimate test of my growth. The old me—the anxious empath—almost shrank. I almost made myself small to accommodate his fears and unhealed wounds. I almost lowered my frequency so my light wouldn't blind him. Not wanting to lose him. But you can’t lose what’s meant for you.

So this time, my growth weighed more. I stood my ground. I realized with profound compassion that he was avoidant and simply did not have the emotional capacity to receive or reciprocate my love in the present. When his fears flared up again, and he invited me to move forward on my own... I did.

Do I still love him? Yes. Do I hope he finds the courage to dismantle his heavy armor, free his beautiful watery Soul, and embody his fiery Spirit? Absolutely! Will I leave the door open for a future where he is healing, more conscious, less avoidant, and I am available? Perhaps, but that is in God's hands and Divine Timing. 

In the meantime, I will not put my life on pause. I refuse to abandon my present joy while waiting for someone else to heal... because I also know he may never heal. Unless he decides to put up a fight for his freedom and happiness. But he is still justifying his emotional detachment and avoidance by calling them "rational" and "orderly." 

Because for an avoidant, emotions are chaos, and silence (emotional detachment) is safety. He likely won’t burn down the tower and do the inner work needed to rise reborn in Truth and Sovereignty. Or perhaps life will continue to confront his shadows and wounds in relationships until he finally decides it’s time to evolve.

Phase 3: The Sophia Awakening and the Inner Animus

This brings me to the profound shift I want to share with every empath and super empath reading this: The Sophia Stage.

In the stages of a woman’s spiritual awakening, we often move from the Maiden (unguarded, naive, seeking external validation) to the Mother (over-functioning, healing everyone else at her own expense). But the ultimate stage is Sophia—the embodiment of Divine Wisdom and Sovereignty.

To reach the Sophia stage, a woman must integrate her Animus—her inner, healed masculine energy.

In the past, I dove headfirst into love. I threw my feminine, open heart into the ring completely unguarded, expecting the other person to catch it. Now, my healed inner masculine has stepped up. He is my protector. He builds the safety net. He holds the boundaries so that my feminine essence can remain entirely open, soft, and loving, without the constant threat of unnecessary harm.

The Sophia Protocol: Navigating the New Frontier

Recently, a new dynamic has entered my life. There are many encouraging green flags. 

He too is warm, witty, and willing. He is vulnerable and honest. But because I am highly intuitive and my attachment radar is now so acutely tuned, I see the yellow flags. The signs that he may also carry avoidant echoes from past heartbreaks.

But I am no longer afraid. I am not spiraling into anxiety. Instead, I am applying what I call The Sophia Protocol.

If you are a Super Empath navigating a new connection, I invite you to craft your own version of this protocol:

• Observe without absorbing: When they pull back, recognize it as their attachment wound, not your inadequacy.

• Name the boundary: Assert what you need to feel safe and connected, without demanding they fix it immediately.

• Offer a safe harbor: Remind them that your love is a compassionate, judgment-free, and nurturing safe space for their unhealed parts.

• Take the Sovereign Pause: Step back. Do not over-function. Do not over-explain. Do not double-text. Do not do the work for them. Let them regulate themselves and choose to step forward again.

If they listen, validate your feelings, respect your boundaries, and try to meet you halfway without getting defensive or shutting down… if they are eager to reconnect and bask in the glow of your warming light… then you can walk, grow, heal, build, and enjoy life together.

And if he doesn't come back, or if he comes back cold, with shorter replies, or sudden unavailability… then you are aware, and better prepared to close the door before the unhealthy dynamic takes its toll. You are an Empress. And we require Kings who do not flinch at our light or run and hide from our love and warmth.

We cannot control the armor other people wear. But we can absolutely build a safety net around our own hearts. It takes immense courage to be loved. But it takes even more courage to love yourself enough to stop settling for the crumbs of someone else's survival mode.

Step forward with unrelenting Spirit and unwavering faith. Keep your heart open with genuine compassion. But let your fierce inner protector take the watch and stand guard.

Tags: Alchemy Attachment theory Empress Energy Healing Love Self-Love Soul Spirit

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