I am excited to share that I have gone through a personal and spiritual threshold. I have surpassed another great test of my growth and resolve.
I wrote about a heartbreak a few weeks back, but it turns out that I still needed to finish living out this experience for more much-needed learning. I met this gentleman in an online chat forum called WireClub. I went on this site looking to practice socializing, to meet and engage with men in a fun and safe way... looking to connect without having to be too vulnerable, because we know all too well how "great" I am in relationships Jajaja. I can't do dating in Guatemala, it is not safe to go on sites like Tinder or Match, or whatever sites are popular these days. I am also not a very social person, so I don't know enough people here to be "hooked up", nor do I take part in hobbies outside of my house or in group settings where I could organically meet someone. I work from home and I don't go out on weekends unless it's to have some girl time with Hannah. I am also introverted and have always been.
I was an incredibly introverted, nerdy, over-achieving super student. I recently re-watched the movie Say Anything. Yes, the one with that infamous scene where John Cusack´s character, Lloyd Dobler, holds up a boombox blasting Peter Gabriel's “In Your Eyes” for Diane Court to hear. It's one of my all-time favorite 80-90s movies. Also, Dazed and Confused, Dirty Dancing, Mystic Pizza, Steel Magnolias, Fried Green Tomatoes, Now and Then, Stand by Me, and When Harry met Sally… another movie featuring many iconic scenes… including the one that had everyone craving pastrami sandwiches jajajaja 🤣 I remember reading there are When Harry Met Sally New York tours... that's something I would one day love to do 💕 Anyway, I am like Diane Court from Say Anything. I identify with her "perfect" daughter persona and commitment to achieving greatness and landing the fellowship of her dreams.
I was a responsible, well-behaved, respectful, kind, and sweet nerd. I had no social life beyond going out driving and trying new restaurants with my best friend Amy, or spending many a night talking for hours on the phone with my other best friend, Philip. I especially identify with the scene in Say Anything where Diane shares with Lloyd that people wrote in her yearbook things like, "you always seemed so nice", "would have loved to get to know you better", etc. I don't remember if that is exactly what she said, but the point is the sentiment she was referring to behind those messages. In reading them all, she realized she hadn't lived her youth, she hadn't had any fun, hadn't met many people, or had many experiences. She had gone through high school preoccupied with her desire to succeed. I felt the exact same way and my yearbooks were always full of good wishes with that same sentiment: I did not get to know you but would have loved to because you seemed like such a great person. *SIGH*
Needless to say, I didn't do much socializing in my formative years. Then I moved to Guatemala and, in spite of the countless culture shocks, I was at least able to do some socializing while at University. Still introverted, still holding back, still forming unhealthy attachments... but with heightened confidence, because living on my own did wonders for my mental health, personal growth, and self-esteem. The hitch is that even socializing, I always had a security blanket... a person to fall back on so as to not have to do anything alone. I arrived in Guatemala only to meet in person my first-ever boyfriend, whom I had met on another online forum ICQ before moving down here. Does anyone else remember using ICQ back in the AOL dial-up internet days? My very first relationship and boyfriend, Alejandro, was like the movie "You´ve got Mail". An online friendship, having never met in person or exchanged photos for that matter, transitioning to a romantic relationship in person and "real life". Then, after breaking things off with him, I met my second boyfriend about 6 months later, and he is where I ended up staying... an 18-year relationship and marriage to Roberto, the father of my princess Hannah.
I went from nerdy student and my dad´s princess to Alejandro's girlfriend, to Roberto's girlfriend, then his wife, to becoming Hannah's mother. In my entire 40 years of time on this earth, in this lifetime, I have had maybe 6 months of being alone, and just being me. I will add to this the year and a half or so since my divorce because, while I am still actively Hannah´s mother, I have done a lot of work on myself. So let´s say in total I have had a good 2 years of "me" time. That is less than 1% of my life!! No wonder I am still socially awkward and prefer isolation, I have hardly any experience as a fully independent social human. But I will be compassionate with myself in that I have grown leaps and bounds in those 2 years. And I have always had a strong spiritual presence guiding my internal drive towards introspection, self-reflection, and self-awareness, as well as a never-ending desire to be the best and healthiest version of myself possible. So the reality is that I am constantly changing, bettering, and growing... even when it has been my secondary pursuit.
In the words of my last love interest / and the heartbreak I have been fully experiencing... "you should not be looking for a meaningful connection on the Wire." He was referring to my intention of meeting people on WireClub. But I now find deeper meaning in his words because on the Wire makes me think of "on the line". Being on the line is when something is in jeopardy, meaning you may lose or harm it as a result of what you are doing or of the situation you are in. I did form a deep and meaningful connection on the wire, and it was to this man. Was it limerance? Yes, maybe at first, but at the core was a strong mental and physical attraction and compatibility. At least on my end, because he turned out to be another emotionally unavailable man. What is it about these types of men? They truly are the embodiment of one of the main lessons I have come here to learn: let go and let GOD. The universe and Source constantly have to remind me that I am worthy of more, that I deserve more, that I need to trust in Him, I need to trust in the timing of my life, I need to let things progress naturally, I need to stop fitting myself to crappy situations, I need to relinquish my need to control, and learn to let go of relationships where I am given crumbs and pushed back with coldness, in shadow, rather than given love and invited in with warmth, in light.
After writing about the heartbreak I experienced with this man when I opened my heart to him and he ran away, he came back into my life and I wholeheartedly welcomed and let him back in. I know! I know!! I already heard all of the reasons why that was such a bad idea from one of my closest friends and from my sister. Both reprimanded me and let me know that I was again fitting myself into a crappy situationship. What is a situantionship you ask? The best and most complete answer can be found here, but in essence, a situationship is that space between a committed relationship and something that is more than a friendship. Yes, we tried calling it a friendship but crossed the line of what a platonic friendship means... but he was always clear that he wanted nothing serious. I was on board at first, but then I got the feels and found myself starting to fall in love with him. You may find it ridiculous, but I have found love online before so I am a believer in online romance. And with this man, we connected for hours almost every night over the expanse of a little over 6 weeks, because we stopped talking for exactly one month after the first heartbreak, and then for another week in the interim after I decided to walk away from him the first time. I know! I know!! DRAMA! I am human people, and I am still healing. I am able to cut myself some slack and confess that I let my wounded and lonely heart get the better of me.
My conversations with him reminded me so much of my conversations with my best friend Amy or Philip from high school... easy, relaxed, natural... never a dull moment... about everything and anything, and always intellectually, and emotionally stimulating... friendly and fun banter, but also debates with opposing views that are respectfully contemplated, and resolutions that lead to broader horizons. Both Amy and Philip are Gemini, as is this man. A plus side to all of this, besides the life lesson, is that I now know that I need to add Gemini to my romantic wish list. They really are the most compatible sign for me! With him, I also got the added bonus of being physically attracted to him, which added a romantic component. I think this last bit is what just further accentuated his effect on my entire being, and what muddied up the waters. But there was always this push and pull, so really who knows. The fact is that I had gotten on another roller coaster. I even had a dream in which I got on a spinning ride with this man. The ride spun in circles until everyone on the ride fell off, except for us, and when the ride ended we got together only for him to disappear towards the middle of the dream. I am telling you, my dreams are prophetic sometimes. I want to harness my divine gifts of prophecy and energy reading through Tarot. Hopefully, it will help me listen to my intuition better.
With him, I did listen to my intuition, I even consulted with my divinity... but I chose to see glitter where there was only dust. It was in conversation with my sister, when I found myself trying to clean up details about my situationship, that I realized fully and undeniably that I was again crap-fitting. I had been trying to convince myself that I was okay with "being happy" with things as they were, and just "enjoying the present" in this situantionship. Going with the flow as it were. When really, I had caught feelings and was in angst and sadness... desiring more, but accepting and settling for less than I needed. I was feeling so sad that I ended up going to a night of praise at a church I sometimes frequent and the worship music moved me to cathartic tears. The message that night was all about trusting in God, the need for healing, and opening a space for miracles in our lives. It is hard for me to trust in the timing of my life. I have a hard time with delayed gratification. I fall in love hard and fast... and I want to speed things along toward my happily ever after. In doing so, I disregard red flags, I read too much into things, and I accept too little; compromising my needs in order to find that ever-elusive love. I was not in love with my ex-husband, nor was he with me. I learned what being in love was when I had Hannah. I yearn to feel the unconditional love I feel with Hannah in a romantic context, but I may not be meant to fall in love with a man in this lifetime. The only thing I do know for sure is that Source is determined that I fall in love with me. I have to accept and trust that my happily ever after has to be with myself and by myself.
During this last attempt at love with said Gemini man, and after the message received from God on the night of praise, I decided to once again be honest about my feelings. To ask for what I wanted, and what I needed, and communicate boundaries. He basically stated he was in a place in his life where he could not handle more, and that our friendship had to be platonic. In explaining why he could not handle more, the instinct in me that wants to nurture, to heal was brought up in full force. Every cell in my being wanted to sacrifice my needs to help this man, but this time, I actually listened to what he was saying with his words and actions and took them at face value. I didn´t try to force what wasn´t there, to interpret him through rose-colored glasses, to explain away his unavailability and lack of effort as a need for my healing. He was not interested in me, PERIOD! Rather than going into chase mode, I mustered up all the courage and self-love, self-awareness, and self-preservation I have learned and decided to say goodbye and cease contact with this man again. Only this time I was clear that, unless there was a change on his end with regard to his interest, intent, and willingness to try to build a healthy relationship with me... he should refrain from reaching out to me again. The old me would have left the door open, with no conditions attached, just for the chance at another ride on his roller coaster. But this time, I know I don´t want to go on the ride again unless it has implemented the improvements and safety measures I need.
In the meantime, I will keep falling in love with myself. I took myself out this weekend and gifted myself a me-only night away from home in one of my favorite places in Guatemala, Antigua. I spent a leisurely day walking the streets and had a wonderful lunch where I was able to savor every bite and take my time until I was satiated. Then I even decided to go to a trance and dance underground music event I had been interested in that I came across on Instagram. I didn´t think I would be able to go to a rave alone, but I actually did and I had a blast! I showed up to the secluded location too early because I am an adult mom who hasn´t been out partying in decades, plus I needed to scope the place out, make sure there was safe parking, and that I didn´t get any intuitive bad energy reading. I sat in my car, rolled down my windows to let in the cool nighttime air, and listened to the music that could be heard while they finished setting everything up under a beautiful night sky. I finally went into the venue and had myself a whiskey on the rocks while the youngsters began showing up jajaja.
The event didn't go into full swing until like 12 am. The old me would have left before things got good, but instead, I sat for a few hours, patiently waiting under that sky, enjoying another whiskey. By my third whiskey, the dance floor (inside an empty pool) was full and I felt relaxed enough to go down into the pool and then proceed to literally dance the night away. I danced alone, but was not at all uncomfortable, in fact, I was glad for the lack of awkward drunk and/or high interruptions to my grooving and moving to the beat of the music. I let the songs wash over my body, Soul and Spirit like another round of sound healing until a little past 4:30 am. I got out of the pool, found a nice comfortable bench overlooking the dance area, and enjoyed people-watching until about 5:30 am... drinking much-needed water to hydrate and letting my muscles relax a bit before leaving. The sun came out as I was driving back to the hotel and I got to bask in the most breathtaking sunrise overlooking the volcanoes that surround Antigua. I then spent the rest of the morning at my favorite spa, having a delicious breakfast, a good detoxifying sauna, and a relaxing one-hour massage before heading home... yes alone, but truly blissful and content.
Life lesson: Healing is a process and a marathon, not a moment or a sprint. It is a climb out of darkness and into the light, with setbacks along the way. As long as you keep growing and moving higher in an upward spiral... stronger, healthier, wiser, and happier than where you were before, you will attract and manifest greater blessings! True healing from CPTSD requires an open heart, honest self-reflection and self-awareness, communicating assertively, asking for clarity, setting boundaries, exercising discernment, and listening to your intuition... but, most importantly, it necessitates learning from your mistakes and making better decisions, in growth and in alignment with your needs and general well-being, because: "second chances without any growth, are nothing but repeating patterns."
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