I am finally coming down from the hangover left over after a brief but too intense encounter with a true Nova. My first experience with a man way too young for me... we’re talking GenZer half my age; I could be his mother, yeah, too young.
It was hot and spicy, but fleeting. An absolutely eye-opening experience for me. I had to pull the plug because it proved detrimental to my mental health and peace. I confirmed several of my repeating life lessons, boundaries, and non-negotiables: I am not open nor available to any dynamic that causes me to question my intuition or requires me to provide emotional pacifying to thrive.
I have too much baggage that I am still learning to navigate to be able or willing to take on the task of emotional regulation for another. It’s what I have written about repeatedly, but honestly still have a difficult time applying in actual real-time relationships and dynamics: you need to be self-aware, able to regulate, process your own fears and doubts, and be open to growth and healing with the same capacity I have, or more. I won't do the work for you.
But beyond that confirmation, the biggest lesson was that I still have a very real, very raw wound that bleeds easily when triggered in relationship to another.
When the Body Keeps the Score: Somatic Red Flags
I spent the entire week of exchanges with the Nova incredibly disregulated. My blood pressure was rising above normal levels, my sleep cycles were completely disrupted, and I had general anxiety. I have heart issues—no surprise there since it runs in my family—but on top of that, there are decades of residue in my body from the many struggles I've had to face and overcome.
The body really does keep the score. I came close to dying a little over two years ago after a hypertensive episode that landed me in the hospital. Long-time readers will remember because I wrote several posts and poems about that experience here on this blog.
And this is where I must pause to thank each and every one of you.
A Milestone of Gratitude: Propagating the Infinite Together
This little corner of the internet I have carved out for myself saw an incredible leap in growth these last two months, reaching over 12,000 hits last month alone. It’s been a massive blessing (after several bots crawled my content and started sharing it) to see how my writing is reaching so many across the world.
My intention is to share the lessons in light and love across all facets of my life that I have been blessed to experience. My hope is that my unrelenting Spirit and light ignite and inspire your own.
Writing is therapeutic for me, but it also allows me to Propagate the Infinite love and light of Source/God. I share vulnerably because I want others like me to find my posts and see themselves represented and validated. I pray that my incantations provide solace, lead to self-reflection, or open your eyes and motivate you to journey into greater depths and the great unknown.
That my musings encourage you to shine brighter, to expect more, to be more compassionate with yourself… and to start the work of Soul integration. Thank you for reading, for coming back, and for following the trails to older posts. Please don’t be afraid to comment!
I would love to get to know you all better, to discover I am not alone in my quirkiness, my intensities, my contradictions, my ongoing romantic struggles, and my parenting highs and lows. I would love nothing more than meeting like-minded individuals: outliers, neurodivergent rebels, paradigm shifters, spiritual warriors, and generational curse breakers like me.
Deconstructing Hyper-Vigilance and the Illusion of Safety
Anyway, back to my story. I am on heart medication now and have learned better ways of releasing pressure, regulating my emotions, and calming myself down when my nervous system goes into overdrive. I made all the hard lifestyle changes and created new healthy habits that actually move the needle when it comes to overall well-being. I went back to the gym and started doing yoga again, and I am probably the healthiest I've ever been and feel the sexiest I've ever felt.
I still track my blood pressure, though, just to ensure I am staying level. It's normal for me to have ups and downs; there will always be spikes. But the week with the Nova was quite irregular overall. I first explained it away as being excited about having come across such a fascinating anomaly… but that didn't explain waking up at night in a panic.
So, I had to sit and take a good, hard look at what was happening in my system.
After a lengthy, guided self-reflection, I discovered I was actually experiencing another episode of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I think I've just been through so much in the span of a few years and have spent so much time deconstructing my patterns and trying (and failing) to overcome them that my system has permanently instituted hyper-vigilance as my baseline setting.
I have become obsessed with guarding myself from potential threats, and somewhere along the way, I stopped actually living, experiencing, and enjoying the present. Yes, I am more present now than a few years back. I go to yoga and can shut down my brain. I can spend time with my daughter and not think about anything else. I can immerse myself in work and my projects and forget about the world.
But am I doing things that make me happy, that fulfill me, that nurture me, that I actually enjoy? The only things that pass that test are my personal venture, yoga, and time with Hannah. That's it.
Everything else is just filler. Excuses to stay busy, to avoid socializing, and to not put myself out there and make real-life connections. I don't have spaces where I am free to be 100% myself and feel safe, accepted, and cared for. I am almost always in my head, visiting the past or envisioning the future rather than living in my actual present.
The Avoidant Trap: Healing the Fear of Being Truly Seen
The three men I've loved since becoming a single mother I met online. They were all highly avoidant, “impossible” loves that provided a form of safety and security because I could live them purely in my head and imagination without putting myself or my daughter at risk. Yes, it got intimate with all three, but never physical.
With all of them, the relationships were undefined... more illusions and limerence than anything real. It was always me filling their cup, soothing their wounds, helping them regulate when they needed attention, healing, or to siphon my brilliance.
Rarely did they focus on what I needed or wanted or cared enough to ask the thought-provoking, emotionally stirring questions that sustain intimacy and deep connection. Those required to truly get to know the woman behind the Oracle who stroked their egos and constantly felt she had to prove her usefulness to deserve their crumbs.
They took, they enjoyed, and they delighted in me and my gifts, but I was left empty and hardened. Like a sweet plum that became a dry, tasteless prune. More interested in keeping people out than inviting anyone else in again. Looking for a connection, but placing a huge barricade around myself, ensuring no one actually gets through.
I realized I am scared to be truly seen. I am scared to be truly known. I am scared to be truly cared for. All this talk, writing, and complaining about men who don't let me in… and the whole time, I've been a woman who doesn’t actually want to let anyone in either. I know... go figure!
Trusting the Divine Architecture of the Body
The Nova asked all the right questions, showed genuine interest, and was incredibly engaged, and I felt myself opening up and letting him in. I also realized it scared the living shit out of me!
It got me thinking: if I was left so hurt after more one-sided connections, what in the world is going to be left of me if I have to recover from the end of a truly balanced, deep, mutual connection? Am I actually ready for that?
Ultimately, though, I found myself in an exchange with him that screamed red flags and taught me that my anxiety is also my internal alarm system. The dysregulation wasn’t just my old wound being triggered; it was also my body recognizing an exciting but deeply unsafe and chaotic dynamic for my sensitive, healing nervous system. A visceral rejection of the environment.
I confirmed that while our mind is easily engaged, courted, and excited… our body and our intuition will let us know when something is good for us and when it is better to pass. Not every spark is able to sustain a stable fire. Incompatibilities are how our discernment is honed; that is how our systems are calibrated.
I also closed my PenPal account because I decided I need more months of peace before I am ready to put myself out there again. I need to focus on my personal venture, allow the wound to close, and integrate this lesson as a way to suture it closed so it heals stronger.
My blood pressure immediately went back to stable readings, my sleep cycle was restored, and my productivity increased. All somatic signs that I made the right call.
I trust that God’s timing is perfect. I prefer to keep waiting for a man capable of being a safe container with consistency, respect for my boundaries, and tangible actions that provide a grounded environment. Intelligent and witty air, flaming fire, and soothing water... but also solid earth, where my highly calibrated nervous system will feel secure enough to drop my heavy armor and naturally regulate itself.
In the meantime, I’ll continue to enjoy my full-moon-infused lucid dreams and vivid imagination where I can play, explore pleasure, and reconnect with my vibrant creative fire… until I decide to open up again. Knowing the Divine architecture of my physical vessel will clearly let me know who can be trusted with access to my energy.
🗓 Sunday, November 1, 2026
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