The other night I watched an interview with Cole Sprouse on the YouTube channel Diary of a CEO. This channel is one of my favorites to enjoy in my downtime. This particular interview, however, was just not interesting enough to keep my attention. I have mentioned on this blog how, thanks to my autism and neurodivergent gifts, I can read people´s energy quite clearly. I am also put off or lose interest when I sense someone is not being sincere or is wearing a mask. That is the general impression I got from Cole, that he is still hiding a lot of pain behind a mask and putting up a front that is not totally sincere.
But before switching off of the interview, he mentioned concerning his mother the choice to love beyond pain... and that particular phrase landed with me, and struck a chord. It got me thinking about my personal mantra that reminds me to try to "always choose love", and how difficult that task is for me when it comes to people who have wounded me. In researching attachment styles, I remember being surprised to have tested as avoidant. But really, it shouldn´t have been that big of a surprise. In retrospect, I was an avoidant runner and, in all honesty, still am quite conflict-averse.
Every person who betrayed my trust, repeatedly disrespected my boundaries, or hurt me intentionally emotionally, physically, or verbally... I proceeded to cut out of my life. These decisions were never planned, but rather impulsive, visceral, and drastic. I reacted, retracted, avoided, blocked, and cut all communication. Disconnecting from them on every possible level that was within my control to avoid and prevent any future interactions with that person. These decisions were usually ego-driven, with no clear emotional tie-in, understanding, self-reflection, or growth.
I now have a deeper comprehension of the true potential for self-knowledge and personal evolution from conflict. By this, I don´t mean that all bad relationships should be endured, but rather that triggering dynamics should be met with self-awareness and more conscious decision-making. Taking the time to self-reflect before deciding if the trigger is a wound I am ready to face and overcome, or a symptom of a trauma bond, unhealthy dynamic, or pattern that I am repeating that requires personal healing rather than relationship saving. Sometimes the choice to walk away is not mine, but even in rejection, there is an opportunity and an invitation for something better, and more fitting, to fill that space.
I chose to leave my husband because our relationship had had one too many second chances, a lack of effort, interest, engagement, empathy, compassion, and respect, and was devoid of true unconditional love. I chose to cut off the relationship with my abusive narcissistic father after my mother found the courage to leave him. The strength, conviction, and resolve I modeled in my own divorce inspired her into action. I recently chose to cut off the relationship with a mother friend from Hannah´s school after she chose misplaced anger and unfair judgment towards myself and my daughter in a situation where neither Hannah nor I were the offending parties.
Her reaction and actions were so jarring that they immediately triggered my "I need to make this right", people-pleasing tendencies. I called and got her to explain why she was so upset, why she had chosen to place her anger on us, and why she had pulled away. Her explanation highlighted the personal issues, unrealistic expectations, and demanding personality traits I had been overlooking and explaining away for too long. I went into self-reflection mode and came to the realization that I had another unhealthy relationship pattern I still need to heal, which is accepting treatment I refuse to subject Hannah to. If it is not healthy or acceptable for Hannah, it is not healthy or acceptable for me.
But there are some relationships I value highly. Those in which I am willing to find ways to love beyond pain, forgive, and resolve conflict. But to prevent perpetuating trauma bonds and co-dependency.... I now have criteria in place. This is a work in progress, but I am quite happy with these initial reflections. A relationship deserves room in my life and second chances when the following applies:
1) There is Unconditional Love.
2) There is mutual respect and empathy.
3) There is mutual accountability and compassion.
4) There is a shared intention to create a safe environment, conducive to voicing concerns and finding ways to deal with conflict more constructively.
5) There is a willingness from both parties to grow and evolve together.
If my relationship with you doesn´t meet these standards, then it is a relationship that I am not interested in exerting much effort to save.
I firmly believe that what is meant for you, will be yours... and that some relationships are only meant to keep you company, provide support, guidance, or valuable lessons along the way, and are not intended as life-long travel companions. And the older I get, the more I yearn for and value life-long travel companions... and the less time, patience, and space I have for maintaining unbalanced and unhealthy relationships.
Here´s to recognizing when someone or something is no longer serving your greater good, to letting go and trusting that what is worth it will find its way back to you, and to finding ways to love beyond pain when your Spirit recognizes a life-long travel companion.
Hike the Energy Trail!
Post a Comment