Hannah is coming up on her 12th birthday and I couldn´t be happier. She is a preadolescent. We survived her childhood intact. And not only whole but happy and at peace. I am not going to sit here and pretend it has been perfect. These past few years have been rough! But we are warriors 💪
I have recently started sharing my old blog posts with
Hannah. That was the goal for this blog, to document what I could of her childhood
nuances and quirks, the beautiful and difficult moments in life that are always
full of lessons and insights.
I wanted to capture my love for her, the value of
authenticity, and the real struggle everyone faces when making choices…
especially parenting choices that impact the person you love with all of your
essence, the love of your life. Hannah is that she is my gift from God, my
miracle baby, the all-encompassing, purely unconditional, deeply felt, vividly
experienced love of my life. I am so excited to finally be able to share our
stories with her.
I didn´t document several years of our experiences, lost in
the throes of life´s unforgiving and tumultuous waters… desperately trying to
stay afloat and discover healthy ways to navigate those waters and keep us safe and sound. I am proud of
the growth and progress I made. Blessed to say that I finally feel like a
more adept surfer. I still tumble and fall into those waters. But I can
get back on the surfboard with more grace and agility. I can better
harness my strengths and regain my balance. Finding my forward momentum, a lot
faster and smoother.
In sharing my blog entries with her, it has been amazing to
see her reactions, to discover the questions that our stories elicit, and to hear
her perspective on my choices and actions. The best part is the bonding sessions that follow when we reflect on the experience and I share with her why I
acted the way I did, and why I chose what I chose. Not to impose my way of thinking
on her, but rather to give her more insight into who I am and encourage
her to discover who she is. To reflect on what motivates the
choices that she makes, what inspires her, what upsets her, and what brings her joy.
I want her to understand the importance of self-reflection and self-awareness for gaining self-knowledge. To learn how cultivating these qualities helps strengthen self-esteem,
nurture self-love, and develop self-mastery and personal agency. For so long I
lived my life how others expected me to, letting someone else´s compass guide
my direction and ultimately becoming someone I didn´t recognize. A woman
who had accomplished everything she was meant to and had everything she was
supposed to want but felt nothing in her life made her truly happy.
My life started to change the moment I surrendered my infertility to God, and was blessed with the miracle of giving birth to Hannah.
My love for this little tiny being that I had yearned for, for so long, gave me
the courage to finally start taking back the reins of my life. My devotion
to her happiness and well-being fortified my ability to challenge norms, break
paradigms, and to start making choices that felt “right” to me… even if they overtly
countered what everyone around me so vehemently tried to impose on me. I
remember what a difficult undertaking this was for me at the time. But more surprising
still was the strength of my resolve.
I was born a warrior. In childhood, I was the only one in my
family who dared to stand up to our oppressive and abusive father.
The one who shielded my brother and sister as best as I could, tried to protect my mother (even though she was the one who should have been
protecting us), and was willing to speak out. My sister, who has also
been undergoing her own personal healing journey, explained it best to me. She
said our family was like a cult, and our father was the cult leader, and that I was able to see past the brainwashing and manipulative control…
the only one who could sense that something was off, and was willing to
fight to make it better.
But the backlash and trauma that resulted from “putting up a
fight” alone, and for so long, without ever seeing positive change or success left
scars that I am still trying to overcome. I thought I had “accepted my fate”,
that my childhood had broken my Spirit, that it was better to be submissive and
just grin and bear it, and that nothing was worth the fight. Then Hannah was
born, and with her birth, the phoenix in me rose from the ashes. I was no longer
fighting for myself, I was fighting for Hannah… and where I had decided that I
was not worth the fight, that sentiment didn´t apply to Hannah. She was worth
the world… she was worth “dying for”. Death and rebirth… the resurgence of
the unrelenting warrior in me.
In hindsight,12 years into this journey of motherhood…
I now see how my choice to water birth, to adopt attachment parenting, to
apply positive discipline, to co-sleep, to opt for extended breastfeeding and
baby-led weaning… were the first powerful stances I made in reclaiming my life.
The “no”, the “I don´t agree”, the “you don´t know best”, the “you haven´t done
the research, the “you don´t have all the answers”, the “what worked for you
doesn´t work for me”, the “what was good enough is not enough”, the “I refuse
to do that to my daughter”. All battle cries of a wounded warrior reclaiming
her power and stepping up for the battle that would turn the tide of the war
for personal liberation.
I remember the fear that comes when fighting for something you know you want but can´t be certain is the right choice. In rereading my old posts,
I can sense in them the undercurrents of the harsh inner critic that was still attuned
to imposed rules and social norms, of the scared little girl who was still
seeking external validation, not wanting to upset her parents… not wanting to
upset her husband, her best friend, her social circle. In revisiting my old
posts, I felt the surge of my Earth Energy, the love now focused on
mothering myself. Remembering the uncertainty, the fear, the doubt… I feel so much love and
compassion for the Jessi in those older posts.
I needed empathic listening and positive encouragement back then, and that realization inspired me to write this post today. One that I hope will provide nurturing and mothering
for anyone currently in search of answers. I am not a parenting
expert and can only speak from my experience, but my experience is powerful and
worth sharing. Do I have any regrets? Absolutely and wholeheartedly no! Would I
have done anything different? The only difference I can think of is that finding support, community, and like-minded people would have done me a lot of good. But
I was not in a mental, nor emotional space, nor in a relationship during those times that would have
made that possible. My past was the sum of all of my parts at the time, it
can´t be changed, nor undone… and it all happened as it was supposed to.
We can only make choices given our mental, emotional, and physical
capacities at the time. They will be skewed by whatever familial, social and
cultural context we find ourselves in. We will decide from a list of whatever available
options we have at that moment. We´ll determine right from wrong referencing the
information and knowledge we have access to. So give yourself a break, you can
only do your best, and make do, with what you have at any given moment. Instead
of asking yourself, am I making a good choice? Ask yourself these questions
instead: Have I done the research? Do I feel that this is the best option for me and
my son/daughter? Why does this option feel right to me?
In doing so you will have more insight into yourself,
your unique context, and your decision. That insight will provide the
clarity and peace of mind you need. If instead of peace and resolve, you feel
more fear and doubt… then go back to the drawing board. Do a little more research,
a little more introspection, and sit with the information for a little longer. Don´t let anyone coherce, impose on or cloud your judgement. Only
you know what is best for you, and only you know what is best for your baby. If
you trust your partner and feel safe in your relationship, repeat this
process together until you come to a decision you can fully support and get
behind with conviction.
The warrior in me stepped up to bat, fueled my personal
certitude concerning my parenting choices, and kept my fear and doubts at
bay. There will always be a bit of fear and doubt, but they should never override
your conviction. Fear and doubt stem from a deeper desire to do right by your
baby… and that is all that matters. Do right by your baby… not by your
mother, your father, your family, your society, your culture, your friends,
your colleagues, your partner, etc. Just give it your best to do right by your baby,
and trust that you are exactly the mother your baby needs because otherwise, he/she
would have been born to someone else. That is the best advice I can give you.
My daughter Hannah is an amazing little girl.
She is not clingy, not weak, not helpless. She is not socially awkward, nor
overtly shy. She is healthy, outgoing, and friendly. She is sweet, funny, and
independent. She is confident, resilient, and energetic. She is creative, curious, loving, and caring. She is empathetic and best of all… she has the emotional
intelligence I aspire to. From the age of 5 onwards, her teachers have always pointed
out how unique and special my daughter is. How kind she is, and what a
genuine and pure heart she has. They point out how they wish all kids were like
her.
Sometimes they ask me what I have done to contribute to who
she is. My answer is always the same… Attachment parenting, positive discipline, and always unconditional love 💕.
Choose unconditional love, parent bravely, follow your heart, and trust in your Spirit… it will not lead you astray.
Hike the Energy Trail!
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