This example is one of many instances I´ve encountered in order to get it through my thick skull that it is useless to compare my princess to others and that not one bit of anyone else´s parenting techniques and decisions can be effectively applied to my child and vice versa. Every child is uniquely different, hence everyone´s parenting should be tailored to best suit the child. The underlying goal, to love them unconditionally, will always be the same and the general objectives and techniques of a particular parenting style help guide us, but ultimately the day to day decisions we make are ours alone. I favor co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, attachment parenting and positive discipline, but the ways I incorporate these choices in parenting Hannah are very likely going to be completely different from the ways another mother applies them in her´s. That is why I adhere to a strict non-judgement stance when it comes to parenting. I may not agree, but I will never judge you for the decisions you make because I don´t know your unique set of circumstances nor do I know your child. If you ask me to, or if you happen upon this blog, I will share my experience with Hannah, encourage you to always choose Love, reassure you that you are the only person who can truly know what is best for your child, and encourage you to educate yourself and follow your instinct.
What is hardest for me, however, is listening to unsolicited parenting advice, standing up to social conventions and pressure, and avoiding comparisons. I know 100% this is due to the way I was brought up and, try as I might, I often find myself secretly comparing my child to others. So I have to admit that seeing Hannah´s friend Sophie was ready for potty training made me compare and determine the same was true for Hannah... and wrongly so! That is the problem with comparing, when you do it you evaluate your child against another parent´s checklist, worse yet, against society´s checklist of what she should or shouldn´t be doing. By doing so, you automatically equate your unique child to someone else´s and/or society´s standard. I have to remind myself everyday that I don´t want to force my child into any mold and I most definitely don´t want her to learn that she has to conform to the norm. Needless to say Hannah was not potty trained and I was okay with admitting it was not the right time for us. We happily went back into diapers and our relationship was mended and strengthened, especially after I sat Hannah down, explained that mommy was wrong to try to force her to do something she was not ready for, and apologized. Even without vocalizing it I could see in her eyes she agreed and was happy to be done with the untimely pressure. I decided I would ask at her school for advice on how to respectfully potty train and they agreed that each child has their own timeline, but that in their experience it was always easier after 2.5 years old and that my child would let me know.
Cut to the last week of this past March, Hannah was 2.9 years old and started actively sitting on her potty every time I went to the bathroom saying "Hannah también" (Hannah too). I had left the potty in the bathroom after the last potty training attempt as a way to gauge her interest, but for the remainder of last year she would always ignore the potty and stand in the bathroom with me, playing with her toys while "mommy went". Around January of this year she started to sit on her potty, on and off, and mention how "Hannah pipi también" (she was also peeing), all the while wearing her diaper. It was until March that she started sitting down on her potty (the whole time I would be in the bathroom with her) after saying "Hannah también" (me too) and asking me to remove her diaper so she could sit on her potty "iguales" (just like mommy does). It was during one of these trips to the bathroom that I decided to ask her if she wanted to stop wearing diapers and start using the potty like mommy and she said yes. I was so excited I ran out and bought a whole bunch of stickers to add to the Frozen themed ones my mom had just sent us in a care package. I made a potty chart and hung it up on the wall in front of her potty. I also made and hung a bag full of stickers on the bathroom door and off we went. It took all of one effortless day to leave the daytime diapers. There were no power struggles, no accidents, and no tears... just smiles and cheering and sticker wearing. I didn´t have to prompt her to go, didn´t have to sit for countless stretches of time waiting for her to go, didn´t have to clean up countless puddles of pee or risk her getting a urinary tract infection... nothing!
Life-lesson: Breathe, let it go (expectations, the need to control, the need to conform, etc.), and have faith in Hannah. It was amazing to discover that when Hannah is ready, she goes for it, all in, no resistance, no trepidation and full determination. I learned that all that is really required from me is love, encouragement and support. The only struggles we faced were with "poo-poo in the potty" and public bathrooms. The "poo-poo" struggle was due to her frequent constipation and I helped her over this hurdle by adding more fiber to her diet and the extra treat of a Popsicle to the designated sticker for a "poo-poo in the potty". The public restroom issue was overcome by not forcing her to go after I acknowledged her fear. I made sure she went to the potty before each outing and immediately after returning home. On one outing, the need to pee overtook her fear of the public restroom and we had to face the public stall together. I held her and soothed her while she shook and cried trying to get the pee out between shudders and tears. After that, she began asking to use public bathrooms without a second-thought because she knew I´d be in there holding her, soothing her, and covering her ears (I quickly realized that the sound of the hand dryers is what absolutely freaked her out). I would take the time to explain and show her that the sound came from the hand-dryers and the other people using the bathroom reassuring her that she was safe... until one day she stopped shuddering and is now a public bathroom pro :)
I think it is fitting that this lesson came chock-full of Frozen stickers (they are now on my walls, my furniture, my floor... hahaha) "Let it go, let it go... ". That´s because it also summarizes my newest parenting task... teaching Hannah to trust herself and helping her develop her emotional intelligence quotient (aka EQ). What is that you ask? You can read more about it here, but the core components of EQ are: "Emotional self knowledge and self acceptance, sensitivity to the cues of others, empathy (which can be defined as the ability to see and feel something from the other’s point of view), and the ability to regulate one’s own anxiety in order to talk about emotionally charged issues in a constructive way." My little girl has a fiery temper, very much like her mother, and is often overwhelmed by feelings of anger, frustration, disappointment, etc. I am applying the methods I´ve learned about from the parenting sites I frequent in teaching her tools she can use to self-regulate. My efforts came to fruition during one particularly bad temper tantrum, one so bad it took all of the strength I have to control the deep dark impulse that took me by surprise to spank her (YEY! *she says sarcastically, another remnant from my childhood). I have spent years as an adult working on myself, overcoming traumas, and learning to control my own emotions. Meditation, deep breathing, introspection (you name it, I´ve probably done it) and I was convinced I had overcome and finally had things under control... and then came the terrible twos.
Even after all of the work I have done to cleanse myself of the past and to nurture my own EQ, when faced with a toddler tantrum I still have a hard time with self-regulation. This proves to me just what a huge impact my upbringing had and how important it is to break the cycle. That is why I am so determined to choose LOVE instead of anger/fear/doubt/etc. and also help my baby anyway I can so she can have a head start in developing her own EQ. It is this resolve that helps me through situations like this apocalyptic tantrum, and I manage to get myself under control with deep breathing techniques. Once I was cool, calm and collected I proceeded to tend to Hannah. I acknowledged her emotions, gave her the words she needed to express what she was feeling, wrapped her in a firm but loving embrace as she flailed about trying to get out those ugly feelings through aggression. I told her that I was not going to let her hurt herself nor hurt mommy and that I loved her and would help her through the emotions she was feeling. Then I calmly reminded her of the technique we have worked on many times before, the tool I favor and has proved the most effective for Hannah as well: Breathe In and Let it Go. For the first time after many tantrums I witnessed how my little girl, at the tender age of 2, was able to start breathing (lost as she seemed in the fit of tears and anger). I watched as her breathing became deeper and calmer while I held her in my arms, lovingly encouraging her and reminding her that she was capable of getting herself under control.
It took all of 5 minutes for the flailing and tears to stop and for my sweet little girt to start breathing calmly and, through some sniffles, proudly say "Mami, ya" (Hannah´s way of saying she had done it... she was calm and I could let her go). I loosened my embrace and told her how proud I was of her and she looked up at me with the loving gaze of a child who feels secure and understood and said "Mami, te amo" (I love you). That was enough to send me over the edge into a pool of my own tears from sheer joy at seeing the fruits of my labour and from the happiness I felt as I realized that, at 2 years old, Hannah was better able to self-regulate than I was at 33! It´s amazing to see what Unconditional Love and Patience can accomplish and it fuels my resolve to keep on trekking on... I am far from perfect, but I know I am doing right by my baby and also doing my part in making the world a little better by parenting my child conscientiously... nothing but LOVE!
I think it is fitting that this lesson came chock-full of Frozen stickers (they are now on my walls, my furniture, my floor... hahaha) "Let it go, let it go... ". That´s because it also summarizes my newest parenting task... teaching Hannah to trust herself and helping her develop her emotional intelligence quotient (aka EQ). What is that you ask? You can read more about it here, but the core components of EQ are: "Emotional self knowledge and self acceptance, sensitivity to the cues of others, empathy (which can be defined as the ability to see and feel something from the other’s point of view), and the ability to regulate one’s own anxiety in order to talk about emotionally charged issues in a constructive way." My little girl has a fiery temper, very much like her mother, and is often overwhelmed by feelings of anger, frustration, disappointment, etc. I am applying the methods I´ve learned about from the parenting sites I frequent in teaching her tools she can use to self-regulate. My efforts came to fruition during one particularly bad temper tantrum, one so bad it took all of the strength I have to control the deep dark impulse that took me by surprise to spank her (YEY! *she says sarcastically, another remnant from my childhood). I have spent years as an adult working on myself, overcoming traumas, and learning to control my own emotions. Meditation, deep breathing, introspection (you name it, I´ve probably done it) and I was convinced I had overcome and finally had things under control... and then came the terrible twos.
Even after all of the work I have done to cleanse myself of the past and to nurture my own EQ, when faced with a toddler tantrum I still have a hard time with self-regulation. This proves to me just what a huge impact my upbringing had and how important it is to break the cycle. That is why I am so determined to choose LOVE instead of anger/fear/doubt/etc. and also help my baby anyway I can so she can have a head start in developing her own EQ. It is this resolve that helps me through situations like this apocalyptic tantrum, and I manage to get myself under control with deep breathing techniques. Once I was cool, calm and collected I proceeded to tend to Hannah. I acknowledged her emotions, gave her the words she needed to express what she was feeling, wrapped her in a firm but loving embrace as she flailed about trying to get out those ugly feelings through aggression. I told her that I was not going to let her hurt herself nor hurt mommy and that I loved her and would help her through the emotions she was feeling. Then I calmly reminded her of the technique we have worked on many times before, the tool I favor and has proved the most effective for Hannah as well: Breathe In and Let it Go. For the first time after many tantrums I witnessed how my little girl, at the tender age of 2, was able to start breathing (lost as she seemed in the fit of tears and anger). I watched as her breathing became deeper and calmer while I held her in my arms, lovingly encouraging her and reminding her that she was capable of getting herself under control.
It took all of 5 minutes for the flailing and tears to stop and for my sweet little girt to start breathing calmly and, through some sniffles, proudly say "Mami, ya" (Hannah´s way of saying she had done it... she was calm and I could let her go). I loosened my embrace and told her how proud I was of her and she looked up at me with the loving gaze of a child who feels secure and understood and said "Mami, te amo" (I love you). That was enough to send me over the edge into a pool of my own tears from sheer joy at seeing the fruits of my labour and from the happiness I felt as I realized that, at 2 years old, Hannah was better able to self-regulate than I was at 33! It´s amazing to see what Unconditional Love and Patience can accomplish and it fuels my resolve to keep on trekking on... I am far from perfect, but I know I am doing right by my baby and also doing my part in making the world a little better by parenting my child conscientiously... nothing but LOVE!
I know it´s not Mother´s Day, but it´s still May and the photo I sent out that day is most fitting :)
P.S.= I am seriously re-considering Home-Schooling, more on that another day.
attachment parenting
Breathe
Dr. Laura Markham
EQ
Faith
Frozen
Let it Go
Life lesson
Love
Potty-Training
Tantrums
Tiger Dad/Mom
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