Speaking of my ideal audience... my precious Hannah has gone through exponential changes. I now know what other mommies mean when they say that, during a child´s early years, days feel eternal, but years go by in a flash.
I truly am marveled at how many changes a tiny human being undergoes in the first two, closing in on three, years of their life, both physically, emotionally, and intellectually. My daughter went from being a baby to transforming into a walking, talking, screaming, singing, dancing, jumping, laughing tornado toddler in a blink of an eye. She now spends more time being active than she does sitting still. My weekly coffee outings are becoming an exercise in strategy. My BF and I have to continually device ways to capture her attention and keep her entertained for about 2-3 hours so we can get some sort of conversation in between all of the chasing, carrying, body-guarding, and general supervision that is required at any play area. I really admire how mommies of multiple children manage to do it while I am wiped out just looking after one. Hannah´s play dates have continually shown me just how tiring looking after two is... and that´s with two mommy´s at attention!
Mommy woops moment:
-Hannah fell off of the bed for the second time, but this time she landed with a thump in the middle of the night. We co-sleep and my husband and I have conscientiously made the decision to continue to do so because we strongly believe in the benefits and don´t bat at eye at the naysayers. It´s working for our family and that is all that matters. This bump was an eye opener at the safety precautions we have to take now that Hannah is a much more active sleeper as well. She has always been a light sleeper but not a mover, and we´ve discovered now she is more of a heavy sleeper and the bump was a warning that sometimes she´s even a flailer. We have a railing installed on our bed on her side, but in her active deep sleep she managed to do a 180 and fall off of the foot of the bed! Needless to say we now sleep with multiple barricades and points of cushioning around our bed.
Mommy woops but also triumphant moment:
-Encouraging Hannah to slide on her own, only to see her fly off of the slide and land on her back while a couple of parents witnessed it all and surely passed judgement. The up-side= Hannah was shaken up but unharmed and mommy helped her through the ordeal with empathy, encouragement and positive reinforcement which resulted in her getting right back on the slide horse, but now asking for a helping hand before sliding down. Noted personality traits: courage to overcome fears, persevere, and ask for help when she discovers she needs it. These are personality traits inherent to her that I noticed early on and want to encourage, especially now that she is more active and more prone to bumps and scrapes. I don´t want her to learn to fear life and shy away from challenges by being a helicopter mom, even if that means enduring judgemental glances. I know keeping her safe is a priority, but I also know first-hand that if a parent takes care of everything for you, shields you from everything, and fills you with fear instead of encouragement... your sense of self worth, self esteem and autonomy are going to be significantly hindered. I remind myself that the best thing I can do for my baby is to help her discover and value her positive traits and acknowledge and manage the negative ones, all the while reminding her that mommy is there for her unconditionally.
Which leads me to a heavier subject: I discovered that giving my little munchkin love unconditionally will pose another challenge for me. I was brought up in a household where everything was conditional. If you were excellent, you got love. If you were good, you were ignored. If you were bad, you were punished. If mommy had a good day, you could ask for cuddles. If she didn´t, you had to steer clear. You were expected to do as I say, not as I do. You had to be who your parents wanted you to be, which was perfect. Do what they wanted you to do, and do it in whatever way they considered right. Then after an entire childhood of being kept from experiencing the world around you, learning to fear the unknown, the new, the different; after having to obey without objection and equating perfection with love and acceptance; after numerous encounters being told that your ideas, desires or decisions were "wrong" and finally accepting that your parents impositions are "right", you are then expected to face the world as an extra-ordinary adult who takes initiative, is not afraid of risk and makes great decisions all on your own. Of course, inevitably you fail at this having had no practice whatsoever growing up or you succeed but end up miserable with no obvious reason as to why. Both of these scenarios lead to a lack of self-fulfillment and ultimately unhappiness.
I consider myself an exception because a) I was able to acknowledge and accept that the path I embarked on due to my parents impositions didn´t deliver as I had expected and b) I was courageous enough to take hold of the wheel, trust my own navigation skills, and change direction. But even after overcoming that huge hurdle, I still struggle with the side effects of my childhood: little self-discipline, low self-esteem, self-doubt, fear of going beyond the limits of my comfort zone, etc. I truly believe that the reason why there is such a boom in life coaches, self-help books, meditation retreats, etc. is precisely because many people were raised in the same traditional way I was. Maybe not as extreme, but surely just as traditional, and you can´t expect extra-ordinary children from ordinary parents. I mean this in the most literal sense because I believe whole-hearted in Albert Einstein´s definition of insanity: "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". His wisdom is universal and must be applied to parenting styles. I especially love a quote by L. R. Knost "instead of raising children who turn out okay despite their childhood let´s raise children who turn out extraordinary because of their childhood". That has become my mantra and fuels my resolve in the face of social pressure to "do what worked for my parents" and not because their method doesn´t work, but because we always complain that nothing changes, that generations keep making the same mistakes, that the same problems keep resurfacing... of course they do! If we want real change, we need to change the way we raise our children.
We are suffering from global insanity... doing the same things and expecting change to just magically happen. As parents we have to do our part by actively reading, learning and adapting our parenting styles to raise happy, motivated, innovative children and not just take the easy route and assume that what worked in the past is good enough. Why don´t people apply themselves in parenting the same way they apply themselves in their studies or their professions? Because they are content, they are complacent, they are afraid of change... and that´s precisely due to the way they were raised! It´s one big and horrible vicious cycle. So please, to any parent listening... if you were able to spend years preparing for your career, than as a parent take the time to educate yourself for the most important role of all... the only role that really will last a lifetime. Let´s listen to the wisdom of the enlightened and courageous Gandhi and be the change we want to see in the world by conscientiously parenting our children in more empathic, respectful, positive and courageous ways so that they become the empathic, respectful, positive and courageous adults that finally turn things around for the better. When in doubt, always choose love.
If you want to actively take the wheel of your parenting I highly recommend my go-to guide, Dr. Laura Markham, and in no way, shape, or form is this paid endorsement... just tried and true first hand experience applying her methods, tips, and guidance: http://www.ahaparenting.com/
And finally, I have to recommend Dr. Charles Raison´s article "Love key to brain development in children"... proof that, as much as society/pharmaceutical companies/teachers/our own parents want to convince us and themselves that a person´s unhappiness is due entirely to their genes or chemical imbalances, ultimately a parent´s love makes a world of difference: http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2012/03/12/love-key-to-brain-development-in-children/
attachment parenting
BF
breastfeeding
change
Co-sleeping
depression
Dr. Laura Markham
Love
Tiger Dad/Mom
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