Silence is Not a Virtue: Parenting for Sovereignty, Not Just Obedience
Hannita goes back to school this week. As we shift gears from the slow, transitional mode of the holidays back into the 5:00 AM alarms and traffic, I’ve been thinking a lot about what we are actually teaching our children in the quiet moments between the hustle and bustle of everyday life.
This morning, I came across a post that hit me hard. It expressed how girls are often taught that love is a reward for being "low-maintenance"—for not having too many needs, for not wanting too much.
But as I sat with it, I realized: It is not just girls. It’s everyone!
Many of us grew up in households that taught us a transactional equation: If you ask for less, you get more. More love, more attention, more praise. We were praised for being "nice," "well-behaved," and "compliant."
This teaches a dangerous lesson. It teaches us to disconnect from our inner voice. It lowers our self-esteem. And, perhaps most damaging of all, it grooms us to accept relationships where we must self-betray to earn connection.
The Parenting Pendulum
This early conditioning deeply impacts the type of parents we become. Often, we swing to one of two extremes:
Authoritarian Parenting (Adultification): Strict parents who demand obedience and suppress the child’s emotional reality. This often leads to adultification, where children—particularly in marginalized communities—are forced to mature prematurely, taking on adult responsibilities and emotional burdens.
Permissive Parenting (Infantilization): Parents who, in an attempt to avoid the harshness they experienced, overgive and set few or no boundaries at all. This creates infantilization, where the child is never given the tools to develop resilience or autonomy.
My Story: The Adultified Child
I know the first extreme all too well. In my family dynamic, I was the textbook definition of an adultified child.
This wasn't just a parenting choice; it was forced by a noxious blend of unfortunate circumstances. My parents' emotional immaturity and generational trauma collided with the crushing weight of growing up in poverty, racism, and systemic oppression as an undocumented Hispanic family in Texas.
From the age of 7, I was tasked with caring for my siblings. I became their mother for all their caregiving needs. Yet, it was a paradox: I was expected to bear the responsibility of an adult, but I was prohibited from having the authority of one. I had to be a caregiver, but I also had to blindly obey.
We three siblings were "ride or die" for each other during the day, left to our own devices. But come evenings, we had to fight for the scraps of love our parents could spare after their grueling workdays. My mother cleaned houses and took care of other people's children. My father was a service attendant at a gas station. It was a dysfunctional survival mode that left deep scars.
The Shift: Choosing Gentleness Over Fear
That early trauma influenced every aspect of my adult life. But thanks to the Divine Presence that has always watched over me—and a massive investment of time and energy in my own mental and emotional health—I was able to break the cycle. I chose to become a Positive Parent.
This doesn't mean I am permissive. It means I focus on guidance and connection rather than punishment. It means I set consistent boundaries, but I also validate her feelings and love her fiercely.
And you don’t have to take my word for it; you can ask Hannah.
Hannah is the first to defend my parenting choices like a love-fueled warrior. But she is also the first to actively challenge me when she knows I am letting my shadows win.
I have always encouraged her to be her own person and honor every aspect that makes her unique. To speak her mind, to own her needs, to challenge injustices, and to stand up for her rights. So, it would be a lack of integrity if I didn't allow her to exercise those rights with me.
The Hardest Lesson
I won't lie—some days it is quite difficult to be the mother I always wanted and give my daughter what I never received. The last thing you want when you are neck-deep in an ill-tempered lecture is your child fighting back tears of indignation and courageously putting up a good fight.
It is hard to choose gentleness when your own childhood didn’t know softness. It can be a challenge to prioritize encouragement when the only discipline you knew was fear and pain. It is a test of will to breathe when your first instinct is to yell. It is exhausting to hold your child through storms when you were forced into a closet with a towel in hand to drown out your tears alone.
But it is precisely in those moments that we must rise. We must do our best to regulate our own emotions, put aside our ego, and affirm their age-appropriate moves toward independence.
The Best Return on Investment (ROI)
Every worthwhile investment has a significant return. And Hannah? She is the best ROI I could have ever hoped for.
Every hour I spent soothing her, every patient reminder, every moment helping her regulate her feelings, and each time I was a steadying presence for her is now coming back to me. She is only 13, but I am already reaping mighty benefits.
She now actively contributes to my parenting.
She modifies consequences when she feels I am being too lenient.
She recommends time-outs for me when she sees my shadows rearing their heads.
She asserts herself when my expectations are unrealistic or my demands incoherent.
She has always been a shiny mirror reflecting my unconscious, but now she has become an amazing teacher for me as well. She helps elevate me back into the mother she knows I am capable of being:
The Positive Mama focused on communicating openly and modeling desired behaviors. The Spiritual Mama dedicated to fostering her healthy emotional growth, self-esteem, autonomy, and sense of belonging. The Mama Bear who loves her unconditionally.
A Heartfelt Note for Parents Struggling
The rewards for this kind of parenting are hardly ever immediate. It takes time for seeds to germinate. They need to settle and take root beneath the surface.
But our choices matter. We are reprogramming the imprint that says, "I must silence and deny myself to be loved." We are raising children who know that love is not a reward for self-betrayal; it is a birthright.
So when the parenting hill feels too steep, hold steady. Keep the faith. And always, always choose love!
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