Growing up, I had my fair share of little-patch-of-hair-by-the-ear pulling, slaps, smacks with wooden spoons or belts, pinches on my arm or back, and many empty threats with a shoe while riding in the car on one of our many road trips to Galveston, Austin, or San Antonio. My dad had a 1986 Chevy van with swiveling captain seats, a TV, a fold-down bed in the back and tables with cup holders... my brother, sister and I loved that van! The only thing missing was a potty, but on long trips were you simply couldn´t hold it until the next rest stop a big plastic cup while squatting in the back of the van as your sister held a towel or something to give you a bit of privacy was our potty of choice (TMI?). That van saw us through some of the best family trips I can remember, but it was also in that van that a lot of the empty shoe threats happened. I guess there´s just something about a van that has so much room and a bed in the back that makes a child go crazy wild. In my family the active disciplinarian was definitely my mother (she was the one holding the sandal, a.k.a. "la chancleta", in her hand with a crazed look on her face), because my father was more of a passive aggressive disciplinarian. He would seldom hit you, instead he just had a way of making you feel more like a disappointment than a misbehaving child (which for me was always worse).
Anyway, after a pretty lengthy +Google search on the subject of child discipline, I came across this website by Dr. Laura Markham and found it to be full of great advice on parenting. While browsing, I discovered an article with a list of helpful tips for Positive Parenting a Strong-Willed, Spirited child (definitely befitting of Hannah). What I liked most was the reasoning behind the tips: the difference between obedience and morality. "Morality is doing what´s right, no matter what you´re told. Obedience is doing what you´re told, no matter what´s right." So insightful and I could really relate because I was raised an obedient child, the morality part I learned much later in life. I know Hannah is strong willed and I don´t want to engage in power struggles that ultimately accomplish nothing more than breaking her will and submitting her to mine. I want her to have self-discipline, something I have always struggled with because of the remnants of being used to doing what you are told and not taking responsibility for your life. I was molded and shaped into what my parents wanted me to be, defining myself as an extension of my parents dreams and hopes, and that made it very hard for me to determine who I was and what I wanted and needed.
These are Dr. Laura's 10 tips and you can find the full explanation in her article.
1. Avoid power struggles by using routines and rules.
2. Your strong-willed child wants mastery more than anything.
3. Give your strong-willed child choices.
4. Give her authority over her own body.
5. Don't push him into opposing you.
6. Side step power struggles by letting your child save face.
7. Listen to her.
8. See it from his point of view.
9. Discipline through the relationship, never through punishment.
10. Offer him respect and empathy.
I think it's an inspired list, so much so that I almost want to engrave it into my brain because I know that in the heat of the moment, when my baby is throwing a massive tantrum or being unreasonable and stubborn, there will be no time to refer to my smartphone or computer for "what was I supposed to do in this situation, was I supposed to give her options, authority, or let her save face?". Then I wonder what my parents would think of the list and frankly I think they would have a good laugh about it like the grandparents in Parental Guidance who just couldn't wrap their heads around their daughter's parenting methods. I want to use the list as a guide, but not to the point where I become like the mother in the movie... so set on being a positive parent that I become permissive and forget that sometimes kids will just be kids and there is never a "right way" to do anything when it comes to parenting. I know there will need to be consequences and limits and "no" will sometimes just mean "NO", otherwise I might end up with a little hellion running amok!
In the meantime, my baby is becoming a toddler and distraction is still our tool of choice but I know once she starts walking and speaking and understanding us better, we will need to put these tips to good use and I'll have to trial-and-error them to see what works and what doesn't, hopefully with as little tears as possible from both Hannah and me and with no need to resort to the dreaded "Chancleta" ;)
Discipline
Dr. Laura Markham
La Chancleta
Morality
Obedience
Parental Guidance
Sister
Strong-Willed
Tiger Dad/Mom
TMI
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