Thinking, Feeling, and Willing…

"Of all forms of knowledge, the knowledge of the human being himself is decidedly the most difficult. "

How true is this statement?! For as much personal growth as I have undergone, it continues to astonish me how growth is a quest with no true destination. We are constantly changing, replacing billions of cells everyday... living diverse experiences each day which compel a myriad of emotions that guide decisions, motivate behavior, and produce physical reactions. It's impossible to deny that our thoughts and consciousness are susceptible to external influences. 

"The positive admission that man is at the same time a social and an antisocial being is a fundamental requirement for a social knowledge of humanity."

I am an introvert who desires deep connections with others, but I would also qualify myself as an antisocial extrovert who is constantly keeping people at arms length. Even in my personal recognition with this regard there is doubt and indecisiveness; proof of concept in my life that it is characteristic of human nature to struggle constantly in opposition to what is social, to remain continuously an antisocial being.

Let's revisit the theory of man as a threefold being: thinking / conceiving, feeling and willing. Thinking / conceiving is an inner activity that is inherently antisocial, but is still acted upon by the external. We perceive other people as enemies of our conceptual life and so we constantly have to defend our thinking against other people. If we weren't always practicing this protection, then we could be social beings in our thinking. As a woman with above average intelligence and below average ego living in a male chauvinistic society where most males operate from a below average level of intellect and an above average ego... I am often confronted with the need to protect and guard my thinking and conceiving. Preferring instead the security and peace that comes from avoiding social interactions where my only two choices are staying quiet and looking pretty or voicing my thoughts and opinions and consequently having to prove they are worthwhile and valid.

"Feeling between two human beings, has the peculiar characteristic of being inclined to give us an untrue sentiment in regard to the other person. They love one person or another for a certain length of time but, when this time has passed, something is aroused in their nature and they begin in some way to be critical of the other, to hold something or other against him. We endeavor always to correct in some way the image of the human being that becomes fixed in our subconscious, which has the tendency to judge human beings according to sympathies and antipathies. We simply cannot form in our subconscious a true picture of the other. Especially as regards our relationship in feeling with other individuals we must simply lead a “waiting” life."

In feeling, we again see this antisocial impulse to prove the contrary and govern our interactions according to sympathy or antipathy. Because I have learned that I tend to err on the side of sympathy, conjuring up an overly favorable idealistic image of a person... I choose to avoid getting too close to people too fast, so that I may better manage my expectations and encourage a more objective valuation of them. But this is not the case with people with whom I feel an instant connection. There my intuition gets the better of me and tends to overrule fair judgement and due diligence. Thankfully, my intuition hardly ever leads me astray... but when it does, it's painful enough that I have to fight the urge to over-correct to the opposite extreme of antipathy... striving instead to focus my energy on discovering the life lesson that person was meant to teach me.

"As regards the will, here inclinations and disinclinations pass into action. One person is related to another person according to how he is influenced by his special sympathy toward the person. There an unconscious inspiration plays a strange role. For everything that envelops all relationships in will between people must be viewed in the light of the impelling force that underlies these volitional relationships, that is, in the light of the love that plays its role in greater or lesser degree. The love one person believes he feels toward another is for the most part nothing but self-love. What he feels as a state of rapture in his own soul in association with the other person, what he experiences within himself by reason of the fact that he is in the presence of the other person — this is what he really loves. In the whole thing the person loves himself as he kindles this self-love in his social relationship with the other person."

We are antisocial in will because in love we are really practicing self-love. This is a lesson I am currently learning... if I am to be Love, I need to learn to Love others unconditionally. I need to avoid judging from sympathy nor antipathy... rather I should seek to understand them from their story, their context, their past, their present. To love them as they are and for who they are... irrespective of how they make me feel. To be patient, kind and respect their emotions, decisions, behaviors, reactions... even when they don't coincide with mine. And you would think that I would have already learned this lesson from Hannah, but apparently not (*sigh*).  

Life Lesson: The social seeks to connect and the antisocial seeks to protect. So I will stop judging myself for being antisocial, instead cultivating gratitude for its protection and I will embrace the life giving healing quality of the social, instead of avoiding it. Neither is wrong or right... rather it's another pendulum... an ebb and a flow... social impulses arousing antisocial impulses. And you know how I love that analogy... a pendulum subject to a restoring force... always seeking balance between extremes. May my quest for personal growth lead me towards freedom in thought, feeling without judgement, and selfless love.

"Social and Antisocial Instincts." - Lecture by Rudolph Steiner

Tags: Life lesson Love Steiner

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