Before I tackle this question, I have a life lesson to share. After going on 5 months of attempting retail, we´ve decided that we are better off going back and starting over again as an online store. My sister got interested in our business venture and is going to finance our going "online". In hindsight it would have been better to start off as such and then move onto retail, but we came across an opportunity that was too good to be true and too good to resist.
Well I know this is an obvious one, and I admit I knew it well, but I still fell into the trap so I can´t leave it out. Life lesson: when something seems too good to be true, IT MOST ASSUREDLY IS! This is one lesson that no matter how many times you hear it, you still completely forget about it when faced with this particular scenario. The very nature of coming across something that glitters and shines is that you forget all common sense when the "need to have it" urge kicks in (My Precious!!!). I know this one must inevitably be learned from experience, but the life lessons I am saving in this blog are the ones that have been the most relevant in my life. The lessons I don´t want to forget to teach Hannah in the hopes that maybe she won´t trip on the same stones I stumbled on.
Okay, so yeah, to be or not to be an only child? Yesterday, I heard a segment on a radio talk show I like called Pachamama on Radio Infinita and they were discussing this particular topic: the pros and cons of having an only child. I read an article on childless couples and, even though it is still the exception and not the rule, I can´t help but sense a trend is growing. In my circle of friends, one is married without children and the rest are still single and we are all in our 30s. So in my world, I am the exception being married with child, even though I live in a country that still highly praises the traditional song of get married young and have kids (PLURAL). I also can´t help but notice how many more single women my age are still living at home and/or are still single versus 14 years ago when I moved back to Guatemala. This was what the radio show focused on, how the cultural changes we are undergoing in this country are leading us towards more only-child and/or no-child homes versus the past and the impact of this trend on the children we raise.
Is it true that the future that awaits an only child is one of two: to become a selfish bossy entitled individual, or, worse yet, an insecure, overly dependent one? Is it, therefore, our moral duty as parents to make sure we give our only child one, if not several siblings to help him/her better cope in the world? (believe it or not, this was one of the arguments raised by one of the listeners, and a very common "word of advice" for parents of an only child like me). I would hope not! I can´t help but feel quite the contrary. I guess it´s because I am a closet only child. Yes I love my brother and sister, but that doesn´t mean I didn´t wish with all of my might I were an only child on several occasions growing up. I´m from the school of thought that if you are going to have children, make sure you are the best parent you can be and give them the best start in life you can. If this means your financial situation and the quality time you want to give your baby restricts you to an only-child, so be it. Don´t just have more children to "ensure your first-born doesn´t become a self-centered monster". And please know that by stating that I am not saying I will not have any more children, but for the time being I feel I can better parent an only child. Circumstances might change when Hannah becomes a little older and I may eventually decide to have another child (if I can have another child), but it won´t be to make sure my first one grows up to be a "better person".
That argument just rubs me the wrong way. Besides, there is no guarantee the siblings you "give" them will make them better. In my case, they kind of drove me insane because my family´s circumstances meant I was in charge of their care for most of the day from the age of about 8 and all of the pressure of such a huge responsibility at such an early age led me into a deep dark depression in my teens. A depression I eventually overcame by the grace of God and from my parents dialing back the responsibility they had placed on my shoulders. So yeah, sibling aren´t always a good thing when you can´t be a good parent to all of the children you decide to have. My thought is have as many kids as you can lovingly parent. For now that means Hannah will continue to be an only child and I will do my very best to ensure she grows up to be a caring, thoughtful, driven person, but I will do so through my parenting and not by filling my house with more children. I think the best way to prevent egocentric entitled children is by being an empathic and generous role-model because, and I now know this from experience, children copy everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, you do, every thing you say, and especially the way you treat those around you.
Since I know being an only child means my little diva gets unlimited attention, love, and pretty much anything and everything she needs, I make it a point to nurture the kind and thoughtful sides of her personality. She has begun to show concern for others and is really into sharing at the moment so I try to praise and encourage this behavior to enhance her natural empathic tendencies. If she sees another kid she goes crazy with excitement and her first impulse is to see what she can share with said kid and, for the most part, said kid has shared something in return. The first time she showed concern for another living thing was at my BF´s grandmother´s birthday dinner. Everyone was outside celebrating and dining, so her german shepherd was gated to keep him from disturbing the guests and he was howling and letting everyone know how upset he was to be "enclosed". Hannah walked over to where the dog was being kept and with an anguished look started saying "noooo" after every howl, like she could feel the dog´s sadness and was not happy about it. I was pleasantly surprised and explained that he was only going to be in there for a little while and then he would be set loose and happy again and praised her for being concerned for the guau-guau (baby speak for doggy).
But the best moment with Hannah this past month is when she directed this side of her personality towards me for the first time. I was having a moment of feeling sorry for myself and was trying my best to hide this from Hannah, but it´s amazing how perceptive children can be. She was in her father´s arms and she looked into my eyes and a pained look came over her face as she said "ohhhh tiste" (baby speak for "triste", the Spanish word for "sad") and then she put her little pudgy hands on either side of my face and started patting my hair and reached out to hug me. It was the sweetest display of genuine concern for me and my eyes watered and let me tell you I had to struggle to keep from crying seeing as how I was already having a "sad" moment. It was so amazing that I blinked the tears away and swept her into my arms and started kissing her and tickling her and telling her how much I loved her and my moment of self-pity just melted away. She has also done the same for my BF and every time she shows empathy she receives huge hugs and lots of loving in return, so it´s great to see how life is also doing it´s part in teaching her that sharing and kindness begets sharing and kindness. Yeah, I know this pattern will not always hold true, but I hope in her life it´ll be the rule and not the exception and if I don´t have any more children, I hope she becomes the exception to the commonly accepted "truth" that all only-children eventually become lonely, dependent, selfish adults.
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